The Secret Interview With John Harricharan Q2 Dealing With Trauma Anger
John Harricharan: We should ask and by asking — there are different ways of asking. One is just getting yourselves out of the way, feeling how you’d feel of the thing you wanted to have happen happened and let it come to you, instead of chasing after it. I think we were designed to be creatures of joy, creatures to give, creatures of love.And we have gotten a bit lost along the way because we have been hypnotized into believing that we are just clod that we’ve got to struggle and so forth.
Do you look at the little acorn in the ground if there is a struggle to become mighty oak tree, does it say? I’m going to become a mighty oak tree. Oh my gosh how am I going to do that and it tries to figure how to do that. All it has to do is allow itself to be that because it’s its nature to do it so. What we’re putting here together is, what I think we would call a very special membership site. Where anyone at anytime could go for guidance, for comfort. I am sure, you will also have a member of board there, won’t you Vish? Where members…
A. Vishwanath: Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. There would be membership and forum — membership and forums.
John Harricharan: Yes. Where members could communicate with each other, where they could exchange ideas. Right?
A. Vishwanath: Yeah.
John Harricharan: Yeah. And…
A. Vishwanath: Yeah. In fact I’m going to — that will be addressed in later, you know, questions. So yeah, that’s a very important part, and yeah that would there.
John Harricharan: Yeah. Well, any way, let me just take your questions. Go ahead Vish.
A. Vishwanath: Yeah. Thanks, John, you know thank you very much. And I do remember, you know, that you keep seeing all this, you know all of the crap going on the internet and self-help and you know many sites on spiritual and obviously you know people who know you, and you really did not want to go out.
And so actually my next question is that many people have actually have been misguided as to the real truth, because you know, everywhere there is, as you see whether it’s internet marketing or anything that are you know so much — gives really and you said it was just like you know the other day you were speaking on the interview John. So you know how is like — I mean — you gave me that they wanted the example of differentiating self-help and spirituality and how actually self-help is at a certain level and spirituality is it one of this.
So if you could bring that comparison again, so that people can clearly see the difference, so that and what I want you to do is if you can, John, list out, let’s say three short-term benefits, which people will get and three long-term benefit though I know that as they progress, you know, it will be a couple of zeros more and it would be, you know sort of 300 or something. But two things, you know, differentiations in self-help and spirituality and three short-term and long-term benefits if they can immediately apply to their real lives.
John Harricharan: Self-help, Vish, and self-development are parts of the spirituality quadrant or the spirituality equation. To really, really become spiritual, many people run around they’re trying to find something here and find something there, whereas they’ve already been that. You’re a spiritual as you could ever be. Self-help is just a small segment that tries to add things to one’s character or problem one’s self — self-development is the same thing and I am not saying those things aren’t good, they are fantastic.
It’s like — it’d be ridiculous for me to say self-help and self-development aren’t great things. You know it just as it would be ridiculous for me to say one could become an expert writer without knowing the alphabet. It’s a stepping-stone, it really is. And it’s good, but it’s limiting, it just stops at a certain point where the human personality and the human mind cannot conceive or think of greater things. I have herd people talk about, well; you have to say this mantra over and over again. And I think that’s a good thing to a certain degree.
I have herd people say you’ve got to think positively, and yes that’s a good thing to a certain degree to accept when it gets to the point where you say, “I am going to be positive even if it kills me.” I have herd people say that love is the greatest power and so I’m going to love everybody even if it kills me. You see what is happening there, we’re having the negative and positive.
The good and the not so good, all blended together when people and their self-help searches tend to go for all kinds of approaches. They think that the gurus and the teachers and the people who write these books are the ones who are going to save them from their problems. Well, maybe you don’t need to save yourself from your problems. Maybe you just need to let the solutions in the problems come to you and grow into true spirituality, which becomes very ordinary.
People think that those who are spiritual are able to walk on water. Yes, they can do that too. But I bet most of you have never seen anybody do that. Although I have to admit that I have seen it happened and even tried it once or twice myself. However, what good is it to study to walk on water? And I’ve written about such things. What good is it to think that spirituality is — has something to do with levitation?
Spiritually, yes, it could do all of that. Doesn’t electricity have a lot to do with your television or your microwave or your computer? Yeah, but you don’t focus on electricity. When you sit in front of your computer, you don’t say, “Oh dear electricity, now I will pray to you that you make this computer work.” It is the nature of electricity to do what it is doing. It is the nature of the human being to be spiritual.
So one doesn’t have to run here and run there and say, look there’s a new guru. Here’s a new teaching. There’s a new website. Here is this man who says you will get everything you want because there is a law called the law of attraction. There is another one who says there is a law called the law of gratitude. Follow that and you will be fine. And another one who will say there is one called the law of giving. Ah, this is the one you have to do.
It reminds me of the story, Vish, I told you the poem about the three blind men and the elephant.
A. Vishwanath: Yeah, yeah.
I used to visit a support forum online for people recovering from various types of trauma. It felt like a wonderful place, and I know it does a lot of good for people. But after I was there for a while I started to wonder, “why don’t I see anyone getting well here?” Out of all the people there, you would see lots of people having “insights,” but the insights didn’t seem to translate into anything but small improvements in their actual lives. The more time you spent there, the more you saw people repeating the same patterns. Once in a while people would suddenly quit coming and I’d wonder, “what happened to them?”
I really wanted people to get well and to feel better myself so I kept thinking what to do next, what was the next step? …and then suddenly one day it occurred to me:
You can’t become happy and healthy without doing the things happy and healthy people do.
And happy, healthy, people didn’t spend hours every day reliving the most tragic and painful moments of their lives! Instead they were out playing with their kids, taking a class, going to the movies, working, whatever. They were going on with life.
It taught me that there is a subtle, but very important distinction between “healing” and “healed.” We need sometimes to reflect and discuss, but we should never lose sight of our goal. The goal is not the healing process, but rather to feel good again. Focusing on healing is akin to someone pointing to the moon but you stare at the end of their finger. Too often leads you into your pain and limitations and not to where you wish to be.
Since then I often think of my personal growth as one big matching game. If, for example, my dream life includes being very healthy and feeling youthful, well then today I might try to match. A healthy person has healthy eating and exercise habits. Or, say I wish to be confident. Today I might try to speak better of myself and hesitate less.
Self-help is like a middle step that sometimes we need and use, sometimes we don’t need but we worry ourselves into thinking we do, or sometimes we discuss the self help but fail to apply it.
Anger is not a very enjoyable emotion and it can cause many problems. We often feel helpless in our anger, but there are some simple techniques we can learn to help us reduce or eliminate our anger and direct it in more healthy ways.
Anger often is born out of a build up of stress, so the first thing you can do is learn relaxation techniques that you can use when you are feeling stressed. One technique is simply taking a break and breathing deeply and letting go of the tension held in your body.
It is our exaggerated and dramatic way of thinking that makes our anger escalate, so it is important to start breaking the habit of this distorted way of thinking. When we are angry, we might be imagining that people are deliberately trying to hurt us or that we are powerless or that things beyond our control matters more than it actually does.
Control issues especially come up with anger. We need to learn that we can’t control others but also that we don’t need to control others to be happy and safe. We only need to be able to direct our own thoughts and behavior, and more consciously choose to take positive things from situations and life.
Blame is another issue that comes up frequently with anger. Blame is very dis-empowering, and it is sometimes sneaks its way into our psyche in disguise. Make a conscious decision to let go of blame just as you would let go of holding onto something that burns you.
Expression is the last key to managing your anger. Trying to suppress anger you feel only makes it fester until it boils over or causes damage to you. Anger often can be unraveled by using the techniques just mentioned, but when it can’t, it is important to express it in ways that do not harm you or others. Sometimes it is enough to communicate to someone, “I am angry because I feel like…” At other times it is not helpful or possible to talk to the person with whom you are feeling anger. General anger can also be expressed in painting (even if you are not an artist), in poetry or music, in a journal, or some other safe manner. Just be careful that when you are expressing your anger, you are letting go of it and not increasing your anger. Managing anger should always make you feel more empowered..
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